I lay here in bed with my laptop and look for the time and see it’s after five am….. still no sleep…. still pain….. my skin hurts and all the same old same old…. topped off with psoriatic arthritis hurting in my hands and knees …. just for good measure…. I guess this monster called FMS wants to show it can be fair and let another illness have equal time…. wouldn’t want to be rude or greedy….as I think about this… I have to wonder….I claim as mine the bed, laptop, skin, hands, knees, but claim no ownership …..of the monsters ….. but……. if I didn’t get this like you can a cold or flu….. then the monsters must come from with in me and therefore are a part of me? Yet I feel like I have no control over it and what it does to me…..and again I find myself saying “it”…. OK my monsters within….ohhh… soon the sun will come up and another night will have passed….so what? Celebrate that I lived through another night? Now what? Try and struggle through another day?…. Just to see the setting of the sun and look into the dark of another night? I am just so very tired….I smile and make jokes try and keep things light…. who wants to be around or talk to someone who is in such a world of hurt and all the other crap that is a part of “MY” monsters….no one… heck I don’t even want to be around me…. I wish I could say hey man this is some funky stuff and sorry but I can’t handle all this right now….. I’ll come back later when things get better…..and then get up and leave…… only problem with this…. I’d only tag along right after myself cause I can’t quit me and leave me like most everyone else has done….. hmmm….crap….. so that’s it…. now the tears…. cause I just realized when this is…..should have known…. when the dark mood started in… this is when that jerk that I loved with all my heart and soul….. the only person I ever allowed to get close… the jerk that said he didn’t care what this…”MY” monsters did to me….. he would never leave me… wanted to spend the rest of his life with me…. take care of me ….. the only one I ever believed really meant it…. yeah right…. didn’t know that three years is what all those promises meant…… rest of life = three years…….never = three years ….. should have read the fine print….. I never trusted anyone on the face of this planet like I did him…. I let down all the walls and for the first times in my life I felt loved and safe…. and never saw it coming….. and when I hear people say things will be less painful as time goes by…. well THAT’S BULL CRAP ….. you just try not to think about it but when that time comes around each year…it hurts just as bad as it did when it first happened …. you just try and move on past it as fast as you can and feel safe in knowing that at least now I don’t need to worry about that any more because no one will ever be allowed to get past that newly built up wall….. gotta have some protection…. that kind of broken heart can never be fixed and that soul is lost….. So, now remembering this…. does this mean I feel like this because of this or is this just making how I feel worse than I already was feeling? Oh heck what does any of it matter? It is what it is and why …… who cares it won’t change the out come nor the course…… so suck it girl and move on….. life sure has and will continue to do so with or without me and my monsters…… so play time with my “inner child ” and “feelings” is over…. now slap that smile back on my face and step back into the ring for another day …. the sun is coming up….. Lila
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