i was hoping to get into something lighter but so far today has been very grim. i’m finding myself completely paralyzed in my mental state, not being able to do anything. i have been at the mercy of my emotions for a few days now, but it got a lot worse last night and spilled onto this morning. i’m crying uncontrollably, my anxiety is so high it’s hard for me to do anything without freaking out, and the fact that i am in such a state is probably the scariest thing i’ve had to go through in a long time. not to say that my life isn’t scary, because it most definitely is. every day i fear that the pain in my body will not go away, that i will always hurt physically and be malfunctioning. but we always say: i will get through this because i’ve been through worse. i’ve been though major depression, anxiety, i’ve battled demons, past and present, and in many ways i seem to have emerged triumphant.
but today i feel like i am right back to where i started. of course that isn’t entirely true, because i used to suffer from terrible internal dialogue and used to not understand many of the things i do today, but the strength with which my emotions are ruling my thoughts is reminiscent of the past. and that is the scariest feeling of all. i don’t want to lose myself again in this big dark cloud i know too well. i’ve worked so hard to rise above, to see the sunlight, i don’t believe i have the strength to do it all over again.
although now i find myself wondering about something entirely new. i can’t help but feel like maybe this lurking darkness never quite went away, but i just managed, throughout the months and years of battle, to tuck it away into the cells of my entire body. that instead of getting over my depression, i was storing all my hurt and pain into my organs and my spinal chord, hoping they would find a home there and i wouldn’t have to deal with them again. the physical repercussions of anxiety and depression may have left a lasting mark on my body (as i have thought for many years now), but i’m now thinking that it’s the anxiety and depression themselves that are still constantly eating away at it. and it isn’t just a question of being too stressed out and then having physical symptoms, no. i have had been long periods of feeling more relaxed and more at ease and the pain did not subside. one thing i know for sure is that my body is not capable of dealing with all that anymore (it will give up on me one day). but is my mind capable of dealing with it any better? i don’t know, and again, this scares me to death.
so now what am i to do? i find myself at a loss, although that isn’t anything new. i’ve been to so many specialists to try and heal my body. i know i haven’t ’seen them all’, so i can keep looking, but i won’t pretend that i am not somewhat discouraged. doctors all say i am ‘perfectly fine’, if not just a little too stressed out. but all alternative medicine specialists agree that i am not fine at all: constant exhaustion, debilitating back problems, pain all over my body, never-ending headache, and many more issues i don’t want to get into. they all offer some help, from natural supplements to breathing exercises, but i haven’t found anything that truly has made a big difference. a few days ago i saw an osteopath, while suffering from a migraine. he did a very gentle manipulation, where he held my head at the base of my skull. no strong pulling, just gentle pressure. i barely felt anything at all, aside from a certain nervousness around my chest area. he said it would work the nervous system and maybe release some tension in my body. it’s hard to say if that is really it, but if his manipulation did play on the nervous system, then he may have forced my body to release some of that anxiety and depression, which could explain why i have been feeling like i do the last few days? and wouldn’t that say, that in order to heal my body, i have no choice but to work more intensively on healing my mind?
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