Here I go again.... or not...

I so dislike having to start over again. I can find so many reasons not to start over. That’s part of the reason I don’t mind being single and have been looking forward to my last nestling flying the coup full-time at the start of the year. At last! No one to have to think about. Just ME. If I don’t want to cook and want to eat cold sandwiches for days or cereal and milk….. no one to complain. If I’m up all night and need to sleep all day…. so what? And I would have no need to try and explain just why I do or not feel up to doing any thing. NO GUILT! But now out of the blue the ex-love of my life has shown up and has been wanting to talk and spend some time together.  {see post “Another Night…… Then What….Another Day…?” and “I’M STILL WAITING……” for more details.} I talked on the phone for a while and sort of put off seeing each other…. for some very deep seeded reasons….I have changed so very much over the last ten or so years due to illness…. I’ve even had to stop coloring my hair and I started turning gray at sixteen…lol… now totally gray, white and silver mix that I like. Just not so sure if anyone else does…. say like him. Not to mention the fact that I now spend about 80% of my time in bed. I can only do a few things at a time and that’s on my good days…lol… I’m a spooner for sure! I’m a few spoons short of a set too! But I digress, we did see each other and he was ever so kind and caring. Did feel he was uncertain how to handle all my oxygen equipment, but it didn’t seem to scare him off. He had a nice dinner set up for us and we did talk but not too much about what happened and why. I’m sure that will be soon coming. My appearance didn’t seem to scary him off….. but I did put on make up for the first time in many months…lol…So what’s the problem? We had made plans twice to go back to his home of dinner again. He has made special efforts for this meal and twice I have had to cancel. At first, no problem….. seemed to be OK about it and understanding. But now I can feel that it is wearing a little thin. I really do not think he understands just how much worse I am than before. The time I went out with him that was the first time in several months that I even made it out the door. It took me two days to get ready…lol… really….shower and shampoo in one day, left me weak and in pain. I don’t know if I even what to try this out…. even if he wants to. Lords knows I can not go through the emotional pain I went through when he broke things off. That devastated me, only in the last few months could I truly say I had not cried over that loss….. and it has been over ten years. So do I want to try and start over and begin the education process of just how my life’s day-to-day works? Will he really have the patience to learn and understand that I’m NOT playing games of payback…. but my daily activities can change abruptly…. what I could do an hour ago I may not be able to do again for weeks or three hours might be able to try again……. between FMS, Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, COPD, Sleep Apnea, Hypothyroidism, Psoriasis, Psoriatic Arthritis, my “dain bramage”{from lack of adequate oxygen levels during several severe respiratory infections} and so on my life can be very complicated when I have to take in the feelings of someone else…… someone I could come to try and care and trust again….that’s a big job on it’s own…..and the stress of this isn’t helping either…lol…. so here I go again…. or not? I’ll turn to prayer and find calm and strength….. and wish the comfort of prayer and strength for all others that live with these illnesses and find comfort until our paths cross again…. Lila

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