FMS - For The Holidays

So… it’s been a few days since my last post. I went to see my Dr. today and drug my handsome hubby back there with me. I have been FMS “drug free” for a few weeks now. I feel as bad as a person can, but my mind is clear. I wonder if the pain is what helps me focus. I try to ignore the pain, but I can’t, it’s always there reminding me that I am not in control. There is just too much feeling. Everything I do, every movement I make, I focus so much thought to do. Nothing is easy any more.

I am not scared. I am not worried about myself. I am very lucky that my support system is there. My friend Cindy is an inspiration and always lifts me up. My husband is the epitome of what a perfect mate is. He doesn’t understand the pain, (no one can unless you are living it) but he is always there to help me, to hug me, to nurture me. My Dr. listens to me and considers my feelings and we work together. After saying all of that, I will say that I do feel like I burden them. Oh… not the Dr., he gets paid to listen to my whine. =)

Anyway… I ave GOT to lose weight. I mentioned that I would do the Atkins and Dr. Ghosh said “No”. It’s the ketosis issue. I take “Metformin” for my A1C issues and it has a side effect of causing ketosis on its own. Atkins and “Metformin” don’t mix well and could cause kidney failure. My blood pressure is high 132/92 and he’s given me 2 mos. to drop weight or go on heart meds. Sheesh! I have got to exercise and it will compound my pain. I know this. He told me… “It’s going to hurt.” Darn right! Listen to me… I’m a big whiny baby! I don’t want to do this, AT ALL!!! I mean… think of it this way… would you want to do anything to yourself to cause more discomfort or pain? But I will do it, when all I want to do is wallow in my self pity.

“Father, please look out for all of my brothers and sisters. Especially the ones who feel like I do. Give them shelter for this horrible weakness and pain. Let them have good support systems like I have. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

- Gigi

[Via http://1gr8gigi.wordpress.com]

Google Wave Invite

I have a google wave invite and I am all signed up, this might be agreat way to talk to other sufferers of FM or conditions related.. Its came at a good time as there is supposed to be heavy winds up to 70mph in my area tonight and I my room is in a loft conversion so hear and feel “my roof certainly does” every bit of it and its scary sometime and makes me stress out with it..

So no doubt I will be pretty bad tomorrow and I have so much I want to do tomorrow and a wee job on, but looks as though its going to be a miss from me..

Here I go again.... or not...

I so dislike having to start over again. I can find so many reasons not to start over. That’s part of the reason I don’t mind being single and have been looking forward to my last nestling flying the coup full-time at the start of the year. At last! No one to have to think about. Just ME. If I don’t want to cook and want to eat cold sandwiches for days or cereal and milk….. no one to complain. If I’m up all night and need to sleep all day…. so what? And I would have no need to try and explain just why I do or not feel up to doing any thing. NO GUILT! But now out of the blue the ex-love of my life has shown up and has been wanting to talk and spend some time together.  {see post “Another Night…… Then What….Another Day…?” and “I’M STILL WAITING……” for more details.} I talked on the phone for a while and sort of put off seeing each other…. for some very deep seeded reasons….I have changed so very much over the last ten or so years due to illness…. I’ve even had to stop coloring my hair and I started turning gray at sixteen…lol… now totally gray, white and silver mix that I like. Just not so sure if anyone else does…. say like him. Not to mention the fact that I now spend about 80% of my time in bed. I can only do a few things at a time and that’s on my good days…lol… I’m a spooner for sure! I’m a few spoons short of a set too! But I digress, we did see each other and he was ever so kind and caring. Did feel he was uncertain how to handle all my oxygen equipment, but it didn’t seem to scare him off. He had a nice dinner set up for us and we did talk but not too much about what happened and why. I’m sure that will be soon coming. My appearance didn’t seem to scary him off….. but I did put on make up for the first time in many months…lol…So what’s the problem? We had made plans twice to go back to his home of dinner again. He has made special efforts for this meal and twice I have had to cancel. At first, no problem….. seemed to be OK about it and understanding. But now I can feel that it is wearing a little thin. I really do not think he understands just how much worse I am than before. The time I went out with him that was the first time in several months that I even made it out the door. It took me two days to get ready…lol… really….shower and shampoo in one day, left me weak and in pain. I don’t know if I even what to try this out…. even if he wants to. Lords knows I can not go through the emotional pain I went through when he broke things off. That devastated me, only in the last few months could I truly say I had not cried over that loss….. and it has been over ten years. So do I want to try and start over and begin the education process of just how my life’s day-to-day works? Will he really have the patience to learn and understand that I’m NOT playing games of payback…. but my daily activities can change abruptly…. what I could do an hour ago I may not be able to do again for weeks or three hours might be able to try again……. between FMS, Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, COPD, Sleep Apnea, Hypothyroidism, Psoriasis, Psoriatic Arthritis, my “dain bramage”{from lack of adequate oxygen levels during several severe respiratory infections} and so on my life can be very complicated when I have to take in the feelings of someone else…… someone I could come to try and care and trust again….that’s a big job on it’s own…..and the stress of this isn’t helping either…lol…. so here I go again…. or not? I’ll turn to prayer and find calm and strength….. and wish the comfort of prayer and strength for all others that live with these illnesses and find comfort until our paths cross again…. Lila

PLEASE NOTE IF YOU ARE READING THIS POST AND YOU ARE NOT AT THE WEB SITE “LILA LOST IN THE FIBRO FOG…” THEN WHAT YOU ARE READING HAS BEEN STOLEN AND IS BEING USED WITH OUT MY AUTHORITY AND I HOPE YOU WILL COME TO MY WEB SITE BLOG AT WORDPRESS http://www.lilabyrdakabirdladybyday.wordpress.com

ignore my pain, i'll ignore your love...

…and what makes it all worse, is that NOBODY gets the real pain brought on by fibromyalgia and how much it both worsens other pains, and other pains add more stress….making the original fibromyalgia pain worse. confused?? let me simplify it some…HAVING FIBROMYALGIA HURTS LIKE YOU WANT TO DIE!!! AND MEDICINE, YES PAIN MEDICINE IS SOMETIMES REQUIRED IN KEEPING SOME SMALL QUALITY OF LIFE SO WE/I DON’T FUCKING HURT SO MUCH, ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it’s a sick vicious cycle. one i did not create!!!

all the while people, family…those who should love and support you now more than ever…call you a faker and a drug addict. if they only fucking knew how much it hurt to be me…and how sad it makes me when i get compared to the other trash that makes up the rest of my family.

i’m fucking done. ya know what…I AM FUCKING DONE!!!!!!!! believe what you want, think what you want. be an ignorant ass if it makes you feel better than me. it doesn’t fucking matter anymore. remembering just how little i am in this world, will help keep me distant for accepting “love” anymore. who the fuck wants it anyway??? i thought i did, but i don’t anymore!!!

what’s the point of love, if it’s conditional and based on only a rare fake bullshit moment??

I live on the wrong planet

Smoke here is choking me up I finally figured out what the smoke is when I cannot smell cigarettes. It’s incense.  Somebody has been burning a heck of a lot of it today. My neck and throat have been all swollen up. My eyes itch. When the smoke blows through I start choking and sneezing.

I either need a sealed bubble or need to go travelling. Hmmmm…..tough choice

MUST GET VAN FIXED!